I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
