Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
