I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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