If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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