And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
