i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
