This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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