I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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