and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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