I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
