I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
