Is it because I queefed?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
