You're so nebulous sometimes
what day is it and did you see me today?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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