I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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