I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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