I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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