areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
