fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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