Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
