just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
