i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
