Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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