Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
