Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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