i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
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