I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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