he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
