Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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