Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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