Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
