my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
