I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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