i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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