If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
