Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
