Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
