Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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