Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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