Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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