I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
