omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
