I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How drunk are you?
Completed.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
