My room smells like vodka and shame
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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