Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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