I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I won't apologize to a one balled man
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
