Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
