Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
