I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
