i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
