I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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