I want to stick my p in your. b.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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