sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
