Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
